The good news is that family courts across the nation are very sensitive to the issue. While disparities do remain, courts no longer ignore fathers' rights, especially when dads have been actively involved in parenting their kids all along. They're committed to the principle that, in the vast majority of cases, it's in the best interest of children to have strong relationships with both parents.
Even so, it's not advisable to just let things fall out as they may. Dads can and should take active steps from the beginning to ensure they get a truly fair portion of custody and parenting time. A Huffington Post divorce lawyer and blogger recently posted some astute tips about how dads can promote their parenting goals during a divorce. There are too many to summarize here, but here are a few of the active steps she suggested fathers take now to ensure they get plenty of time with their kids in the future:
]]> Focus on your custody and parenting time goals from the very beginning. Get a divorce lawyer who understands that fathers’ rights are just as essential as mothers’ -- and knows how dads end up getting minimized. It’s an uphill battle to increase your parenting time later, so get the plan in place now. Divorce judges want to know what’s in the best interest of your kids, so demonstrate how involved you are in their lives -- and how spending lots of time with you is good for them.Draw up a proposed schedule in calendar form. The visual aid of a calendar helps keep ideas like “every other weekend and alternate Wednesdays” out of the discussion.
Never bring up child support during custody and parenting time discussions. Right or wrong, some people will think you want additional time with your children so you can pay less child support. While the time you’ll each spend with the kids may be taken into account in determining child support, you can’t afford to give the impression you’re willing to trade parenting time for money.
Remember: divorce is temporary, but parenting is forever. Now is the time to ensure that you and your kids will have plenty of happy time together in the future.
Source: Huffington Post blog, "Custody Battles: The Top Five Things Dads Should Know Before Setting Foot in Court," Morghan Leia Richardson, May 23, 2013
]]>For example, one woman wrote in to a Huffington Post blogger who writes about family law and mediation to ask about how to resolve a dispute over her summer camp for her 10-year-old son. Divorced for two years and with shared legal custody, the woman was frustrated because her ex-husband told their son that he could attend an expensive, out-of-state sleep-away camp.
The couple's visitation order spelled out that the dad would pay 60 percent of any summer camp costs, but that doesn't mean the camp would be affordable for the mom. More important, however, is that the mom opposes the sleep-away camp because she believes her son is too young. Since her ex had already proposed it to their son, however, he was begging her to attend.
]]> The blogger recommended the mom try some mediation techniques to resolve the conflict.The first steps in mediating conflicts are to identify your real interests in the situation and those of your ex. In this case, mom should write down all the reasons she opposes the sleep-away camp -- even those that seem unreasonable. Ideally, this should give her insight into the real basis of her opposition.
If willing, her ex could do the same -- providing her with a list of his motivations, both reasonable and unreasonable. If he’s not willing, she should try to create that list herself, although it’s harder to gain insight that way. Since her son is 10 and begging to go, she might consider doing the same with him.
Once each person’s interests have been identified, the next step is to sit down together, if possible, and brainstorm at least three alternatives that could achieve the majority of those goals and minimize the impact of any that can’t be accommodated.
Raising children is challenging for everyone, and clear, positive communication that respects the interests of each person can help any set of parents and children. The key is not to think of your visitation order as a blueprint, but as a list of a few things that are mandated by the court.
Source: Huffington Post Blog, "Mediating Your Summer Camp Squabbles," Diane L. Danois, J.D., May 13, 2013
]]>If you're considering or are in the midst of a divorce, you may want to think ahead about future Mother's Days. If you want to make sure that your kids will always spend that day with you, the best place to start is to discuss the structure of your child custody and visitation with your lawyer and make sure you negotiate, or ask a judge, to put it explicitly into your parenting plan.
]]> If you already have your final divorce decree and you didn’t explicitly specify Mother’s Day as time for you and the kids, it’s not too late. Chances are, your ex would like the kids on Father’s Day, so it’s often easy to negotiate these arrangements. Don’t just verbally agree, however, if there’s any likelihood that your ex would change his mind later. Instead, petition for a modification to your parenting plan in court -- It’s not difficult or expensive.Worried about the cost of gifts? In a relatively amicable divorce, you may be lucky enough to have an ex who will spring for gifts to you from your children, or agree to help the kids purchase them with money your provide. If that’s not an option, take the opportunity to teach your kids how to express their love and appreciation in ways that don’t cost money. It’s a valuable lesson that will serve them well in the long term.
Finally, even when you have Mother’s Day officially reserved in your parenting plan, life may simply intervene. If plans don’t work out, don’t get discouraged. With advance notice, you can pick an alternate day to celebrate Mother’s Day. The point isn’t to celebrate on the same day as everyone else, but to keep up an important family tradition that kids will treasure when they’re older.
Have fun this Mother’s Day, and treasure your bond with your kids.
Source: Huffington Post, "Single Mom Mother's Day: How To Celebrate Mother's Day After Divorce," Mandy Walker, YourTango.com, May 10, 2013
]]>Even though divorce and domestic relations cases often involve highly personal family issues and financial disclosures, both Illinois and U.S. law isn't meant to work that way. Under our judicial system, the strong expectation that all court proceedings are matters of public record. Juvenile delinquency proceedings are generally confidential, but otherwise people of all stations in life are subject to the same rule.
"If you avail yourself of the court system, you have to pay the price of it being public," the president of the Illinois chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers explained to the Tribune. "If we start making exceptions for the rich and famous, it creates a dual court system, which goes against our populist belief of what a court should be, which is really justice for all without distinguishing between the rich and poor."
]]> In direct opposition to that tradition, it seems that Cook County judges have been obscuring and sealing family law cases for lawmakers, billionaires, other judges and a variety of other influential people, and they’ve been doing it surprisingly routinely.While obviously there are procedures to allow the obfuscation of party names and sealing of records, they are not meant to be used merely to protect the parties’ privacy or prevent embarrassment. In general, case files are only sealed to protect the identities of minors and people considered incompetent.
The Tribune wasn’t able to find many judges willing to explain or reconsider their decisions to seal files. One, however, admitted that he had been wrong to seal a divorce file in order to protect a wealthy divorcing couple’s private financial information. Any such information could easily have been summarized and then removed from the public file, he admitted.
One particularly frustrating aspect of the practice is that there are perfectly legal ways people can keep their information out of the public record -- not try their cases in the public courts. Using divorce mediation or the collaborative law process to negotiate a divorce agreement already has that result.
Source: Chicago Tribune, "Divorce court weds power and privacy," Cynthia Dizikes and Todd Lighty, April 28, 2013
]]>The bills were developed by the bipartisan Family Law Study Committee, which spent the last four years examining the issues and gathering input from judges, family law attorneys, child advocates and the public about needed reforms to Illinois divorce and family law. The last time the laws were updated was more than 35 years ago, and many believe they are in dire need of an update.
Between the two proposals, a number of changes would be made to current practice in and surrounding the family courts. For example, the proposals would prohibit the practice of filing "home-wrecker" lawsuits against third parties who allegedly cause marital breakups.
]]> Grounds would no longer be required in Illinois in order to get a divorce. Although Illinois does have no-fault divorce, Illinois law currently requires a two-year separation in no-fault cases, although that waiting period can be reduced to six months if both parties agree. To further ease the divorce process, judges would be expected to issue divorce decrees within 60 days of the final hearing, except in special circumstances.The proposal would update the Illinois Statutory Guidelines for child support so they would take into account the amount of time each parent spends with the children. Current law considers only the parents' incomes and the number of children they are supporting.
In the child custody area, the proposal would expand the right of non-custodial parents to make decisions about health care, education, religious instruction and other issues for their children, as long as they share legal custody.
Under the new law, courts would be allowed but not required to set up parenting plans in which kids spend at least 35 percent of their time with the noncustodial parent. It also gives more leeway in scheduling by allowing, for example, children to spend long weekends with the non-custodial parent instead of being required to return to the custodial home on Sunday regardless of need.
Both bills are currently hung up in the House Rules Committee. Hopefully, however, whatever conflicts there may be can be resolved so these important bills can be debated before the full House and Senate so that needed reforms can be passed into law.
Source: Alton Daily News, "Divorce Law Examined," Nick Gale, April 16, 2013
]]>Choosing collaborative law for a divorce or other family law problem often saves people time and money. More importantly, the process provides a fair, structured process that is geared toward reaching agreement, as opposed to courtroom litigation, which is designed for adversaries.
In the collaborative law process, the parties can have their own attorneys, but those attorneys are given a strong incentive to reach an agreement -- they generally can't represent that client in litigation if an agreement can't be reached. The parties also have access to experts, such as accountants, child custody evaluators and psychologists, just as they could if they went to court.
]]> Divorcing couples "have been looking for an alternative to 'drag'em down, knock'em out' litigation that can be prolonged, costly and emotionally draining," points out the president of the Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois, which supports the bill.Many people find the collaborative process meets that need. At the same time, Illinois' family courts have been criticized for such inefficiency and backlogs that they can hardly handle all the family law cases brought before them. While the final agreement reached through collaborative law does need to be taken to court for an official decree, that process takes much less time than a full trial.
The Uniform Mediation Act, which sets out expectations for divorce and family law mediation, was passed in Illinois in 2004. Hopefully, the time has come for full recognition of the benefits of collaborative law, as well.
Source: Chicago Tribune, "Lake in the Hills Woman Advocates for Bill That Would Help Reduce Divorce's Emotional, Financial Toll," Matt Baron, March 21, 2013
]]>The story began weeks ago when the boys' parents, the 35-year-old father and 34-year-old mother, lost the year-long child custody battle with the mother's parents. On April 3, the 35-year-old father allegedly took tied up the grandmother and fled with the boys in her car. He and his wife then got onto a small boat, and set sail for Cuba. The grandmother's frantic call to police quickly turned the search for the boys into an international manhunt.
]]> Because there are no extradition laws with Cuba, many people feared that the Cuban government would not cooperate and hand over the parents for kidnapping the boys. But in what some are considering a strange act of diplomacy, Cuban officials responded immediately to the situation, and were even said to have escorted the parents off the boat when they arrived.In the early morning hours this week, the parents return to the United States in FBI custody. In the same return flight were the two boys who were quickly returned to the grandparent's custody.
During their court hearing this month, the parents were charged with kidnapping, interference with child custody and neglect. Because of his actions on April 3, the father was also charged with grand theft auto, false imprisonment, battery and burglary.
The grandparents, who are glad to have the boys at home and safe, say that for the most part the boys are unaware of what happened to them and are settling back into a routine.
Source: The New York Daily News, "Hakken boys safe at home with grandparents-unfazed by parental kidnapping and trip to Cuba," Michael Walsh, April 11, 2013
]]>The visitation dispute between the mother and her ex-husband's parents first arose in 2008, when the ex-husband was murdered, allegedly by a member of the mother's family. The little girl's grandparents have been seeking visitation with the little girl since their son's death.
In 2010, the judge ordered the mother to allow the visits and, apparently so fed up with the case he told the young mother, "There is an evil in you."
After that order, the woman moved to Florida. The judge held her in civil contempt, which results in fines. He tried to have her extradited, but she spent five months in jail before defeating that order.
]]> With the judge now holding her in criminal contempt, she could face jail time. In fact, the judge could theoretically add more criminal contempt citations and could even hold her indefinitely until she agrees.One legal expert interviewed by the Illinois Times commented that this is meant to force the issue. "I don't think there's a nuclear option here," the expert commented. But if this isn't the "nuclear option," it's unclear what would be.
The mom defends her actions saying that, when the little girl has visited the grandparents before, she has come back in a quiet, scared mood and seems like a different child.
"She's not safe, she doesn't know them," she says.
She also claims she has never denied the grandparents visitation -- as long as it was in Florida.
The grandmother says she feels confident they'll see their granddaughter again. They are committed to giving the girl a chance to know her dad, at least through his surviving family, and to know that his side of the family loves her. She says she has tried to reason with the mother, even reassuring her that "no one wants to take [her] from you."
No one knows what the outcome of this visitation dispute may mean. If the mom goes to jail, the grandparents may even be granted custody, at least until she is released.
Sources:
Before 1970, it was extremely uncommon for fathers to be granted shared physical custody at all, much less awarded roughly equal time with the kids. Over time, family court policies have gradually but surely moved away from the "traditional mom" stereotype and toward requiring objective evidence of what arrangement would be in the best interest of the children involved.
Nevertheless, a 1997 study of outcomes in Massachusetts child custody disputes, for example, found that mothers were still being granted sole or primary physical custody more than 83 percent of the time.
]]> Recently Natalie Gregg, a Texas family law attorney who blogs for the Huffington Post, shared her own experiences of how fathers can improve their chances of being granted sole custody or roughly equal parenting time with their kids.In conservative Texas, Gregg notes, while there may be a few biased judges, the main factor in child custody decisions is each parent's degree of involvement with the children. This is also one of the primary factors in Illinois family courts.
Dads who want an equal share in parenting need to demonstrate that they have been involved in the parenting all along. For example, if a dad has been involved in parenting activities such as cooking meals for the children, being involved with their schools, and taking them to doctors' appointments, he should demonstrate that to the judge.
Co-parenting is challenging for everyone -- even married couples. If there is considerable friction between the parents, it might be tempting to seek sole custody. Keep in mind, however, that courts don't limit one parent's child custody rights simply because the other parent doesn't wish to be involved in co-parenting.
Fundamentally, decisions about custody and parenting time are not meant to promote either parent's convenience. Ideally, they are not about either the mother or the father's rights. They should be about developing a plan that is in the children's best interest.
Source: The Huffington Post, "Father's Rights In Divorce: Myths and Facts," Natalie Gregg, March 22, 2013
]]>In each case, Honaman claims, the fathers want to be involved in their kids' lives and are trying to work with their ex-wives on co-parenting. In each case, both the men and their extended families are accused of horrific abuse. In each case, the men have been forced to spend down what savings they have in order to pay thousands of dollars in legal fees and court costs in order to protect their rights. One of them had no choice but to use his kids' college fund to defend himself.
Could this be true? Absolutely. Unfortunately, it's not all that uncommon.
]]> When one of a child's parents really is a danger, it truly might be necessary to limit that parent to supervised visitation or, in severe cases, seek termination of parental rights. The courts are here to help in such cases.When both parents are fit, however -- not abusive, addicted or dangerously neglectful -- both Honaman and family courts across the country agree that it's in the children's best interest to have strong, supportive relationships with both parents.
If the best interest of the children aren't enough to convince a parent that false allegations of abuse are a bad idea, Honaman suggests they consider the financial impact on themselves and their children. With the accused parent spending their savings down -- and the accuser probably doing so as well -- it's really the children who end up getting hurt. They may no longer be able to live where they want or do the things they're accustomed to doing. Their college savings may be spent, and money previously available for sports or school activities goes down the drain.
"For those of you who might be squirming a little bit right now, perhaps recognizing a bit of your behavior, I ask you to stop and think for a moment about who it is you are hurting," Honaman writes. "I know we all have that mama bear mentality and want to protect our children from harm, but sometimes it can be taken too far. We may say we are 'protecting' them, when really we are 'harming' them."
Source: The Huffington Post, "Kids Need Dads!" Monique Honaman, March 5, 2013
]]>Following the divorce, this mother took her children back to Illinois where she worked as a substitute teacher. Her husband was obligated to pay approximately $10 a day for each child, and the mother's financial circumstances began to deteriorate as this money was not forthcoming. Even while working a second job, the mother was required to ask for help from her family and friends to pay for her children's needs.
]]> Besides avoiding paying child support, the father of the children apparently has also failed to participate in the children's lives. Two of the children have stated they have not seen their father in several years, and they've virtually never spoken to him on the telephone.As in almost every circumstance concerning child support, the purpose of the obligations at a minimum involves having children provided with food, clothing, housing and health care. However, courts hope to achieve much more than that when ordering child support payments be made.
Any order in a divorce that pertains to children is to be made with the best interests of the child in mind. This means making certain that a child's physical, mental, emotional and educational needs are met, that beneficial involvement and contact with both parents is maintained, and that the children are not impacted mentally or physically because of the divorce.
Unfortunately, we have too many cases like the one mentioned above where all the parenting duties fall upon one parent alone. Family law attorneys that understand the importance of making certain a child's needs are met will do all that they can to work with both parents. They will stress that looking out for the needs of the children will provide benefits for the parents as well. As children grow up, they will remember which parent was there for them, and which parent was not.
Source: KBOI, "Dad owed $119K in child support - 'There were four innocent kids," by Mike Murad, Feb. 27, 2013
At issue is not only the future of the little girl, but also the father's rights under a federal law called the Indian Child Welfare Act because he and Veronica claim membership in the Cherokee Nation. The ICWA was passed in 1978 to put an end to abusive state and federal policies aimed at separating Native American children from their families.
According to congressional testimony, between 25 and 35 percent of Native American children were taken from their parents between 1958 and 1957. The children were placed in foster homes or put up for adoption -- 90 percent to white families. The federal Bureau of Indian Affairs in some cases actually offered financial incentives for states to take Indian children and place them with non-Indian families.
]]> Under the ICWA, tribal courts have exclusive jurisdiction over custody cases involving children who are wards of a tribe or who have a Native American parent living or domiciled on a reservation.In 2009, four months after Veronica's birth, her father learned that his estranged fiancée had put the girl up for adoption against his will. South Carolina state law allows fathers' rights to be involuntarily terminated for adoption in some circumstances, which might have applied here. However, the ICWA is a federal law specifically intended to preempt state law.
After several years of appeals, Veronica is now deeply bonded with the adoptive couple. At each stage, the family courts ruled in the father's favor and ordered them to turn Veronica over to him, but they have resisted and appealed, believing it is in Veronica's best interest to stay with them.
The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments on the case on April 16. All of the parties obviously care about Veronica's future, but the court will choose a side. To do so, it needs to determine how the ICWA applies in this case, and then balance that against Veronica's interest in remaining with the only parents she has ever known. Do you think this father's rights were violated? Should Veronica be returned to him, or placed permanently with the couple who so wants to adopt her?
Source: Yahoo! News, "Supreme Court's upcoming child-custody decision: The Baby Veronica case," Abigail Perkiss, National Constitution Center, March 4, 2013
]]>There is another way. If you basically trust the other parent, consider the benefits of collaborative law, a type of alternative dispute resolution designed to take advantage of the best aspects of a courtroom resolution while playing down its adversarial nature.
"Given our situation, there was no reason to fight. We just wanted the best option for our children and for our family," says a woman who discovered collaborative law after she and her husband of 18 years agreed to move on.
]]> "Our attorneys gave us guidance and counsel and advice. They were our co-pilots. [She and her husband] were in the driver's seat the entire time," she explained. "When we finished the process and everything was said and done, we were like well, 'We got exactly what we wanted. It was a good feeling.'"As opposed to heading to court with a win-or-lose mentality, collaborative law sets the goal for both parties of resolving the dispute with the least emotional and financial damage possible. At the same time, you can be represented by an attorney, child custody experts can be brought in, and your agreement can be brought to court for approval, so it's enforceable.
An essential part of collaborative law is that all of the participants -- both parents and both of their attorneys -- agree from the beginning to cooperate and work toward a resolution. While it's true that you can still go to court if you can't reach an agreement, none of the discussions you had in the collaborative law process can be used as evidence.
Perhaps most important for the process, if you can't reach an agreement in collaborative law, the attorneys who represented you there can't be involved in any subsequent litigation. That gives the lawyers a strong incentive to avoid unnecessary disputes and move directly toward a resolution that satisfies both parents.
"A lot of people look at divorce as the death of a family," the woman who succeeded with collaborative law says. "We still have a family."
Source: wistv.com, "Collaborative Divorce lets couples split with dignity," Heather Biance, Feb. 14, 2013
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